Mom-ivation Needed …

I suck!

Yes .. yes I really do suck.

I started this blog last year to keep me sane through writing .. maybe help a mom or two out in knowing they are not alone in the daily struggles .. and lastly, to keep me busy. So, why have I not kept up with it? Well, frankly, because I suck. I am one of those “I am going to do this .. I am going to do that” type of people. Then what happens? I lose motivation. I move on to other things. I get “busy” …

I realize now that I need an ass-kicking. I need to get back to ME. I need to do the things I love rather than scoping socia media or watching shows. I don’t regret the cuddly naps with my little during the day but maybe I should take that time to do more. I mean, it is the only quiet time I get throughout the day really .. and let’s be real, I don’t nap so much now than I did when I was more sleep deprived.

So, this post is for the moms/women/people who think they are in a slump. YOU ARE! It happens. It sucks. Give yourself an ass-kicking and do something! ANYTHING. Even if it is something small. DO IT!

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Let’s Talk, Postpartum Depression.

New mothers, old mothers .. can we talk?
Let’s talk about Postpartum Depression. 

Do I/did I have it? I want to say no and I don’t believe that I have experienced it fully.
What I can say though is that I have gone through the everyday mental struggles taking care of a tiny human. I believe all moms do. Maybe some suffer worse than others. Maybe some hide it better than others. Maybe some don’t even know. 

Before I had my tiny human, I didn’t believe it could be a real thing. 
I thought maybe some women were just mentally set back more than others or were just pretending.
Was that fair to judge? No, it wasn’t. Who was I to think I knew better than any woman .. let alone a mother? 

I hadn’t before experienced the “mom shaming” that occurs .. because DUH, I wasn’t a mom.
Sure, I already knew women were/are the worst in judging others (something I am currently working on in doing less myself). Add all the judging to major lack of sleep, lonliness, and confusion (yes confusion because tiny humans seem alien-like at times); how do you think you’d feel? 

I want to say that I don’t battle Postpartum Depression as I do feel the love and support from everyone around me. BUT .. is that all that it takes? My “IDGAF” attitude may be helping as well but my own judgements of myself do build up. Comments from others do build up. I sit, analyze, and read as much as I can about motherhood to ensure I am being the best mother to Claudia that I can be. Most days, I feel that I am doing AMAZING until I have that 1 day where it all seems like I don’t have my shit together. That day is when I relate the most to moms out there who struggle day to day in hoping they are doing their best.
What knocks me down you may ask. “Me” – a SEEMLY strong-willed, blunt, open-minded, confident person.
A comment from a loved one?
A question from someone that makes me think “How are other mothers doing it?”
Seeing/reading another mom’s experiences?
All of the above.

What helps me through the tough days?
Remembering that many moms were before me and many moms will be after me. We all have our different ways in raising our tiny humans. Isn’t that what makes us all different? We all were raised differently and grew up our own ways. It is the natural chain in things.

So .. moms/women .. even dads/men ..friends/family/coworkers/strangers … I welcome you to look at me differently.
Question why I still breastfeed..
Question why Claudia co-sleeps with me currently and why she “still” doesn’t sleep through the night..
Question why religion/politics are not apart of our household.. including HATE of any kind..
Question why some days I have my shit together with the perfectly tidied home vs the days where Claudia and I do nothing all day but eat and sleep..
I have answers for you .. whether you agree with me or not. I just ask that you try to keep an open mind while “judging/questioning” me. It’s only fair.

Each day is different than the next. Each emotion is different. That doesn’t mean I am parenting wrong. It doesn’t mean I am a shitty person. I am human and so is my mini me. 
We are learning. Together. Separate. All around.

Dear Uncle Ivan,

I hate you.
But do I really?

I hate that you left me.
Do you know how hard it is to watch your best friend slowly fade away over the years? I know you do because you watched your mom leave you. Such a horrible thing Cancer is. So why did you do the same to me? I stuck by your side from the moment you were diagnosed until the moment you took your last breath. I told you “until the end …” but little did I know the end didn’t mean the end of you, it meant the end of me.

I hate that you leaving made my heart so cold.
After you left, I was never the same. It is hard to smile some days. It is hard to laugh others. It is hard for me to show love to those in my life that deserve it. Why? Because I never want to hurt that way again. As Kid Cudi says “My heart’s an open sore that I hope heals soon …” but it’s been 8 years now. When will it heal?

I hate you.
I hate the person I became after you left.
I made choices in my life that hurt the people closest to me. I almost lost them because I didn’t know how to deal. I didn’t know how to be me. I didn’t know how to deal with my insecurities. Is that your fault? No. That’s not fair to say.
I used to sit on your grave and cry asking for advice. You weren’t there to answer and I lost myself.
I am still trying to find myself … as a daughter, as a wife, and now as a mother.

I hate you.
How could you miss out on being a part of my daughter’s life?
She was almost born on the anniversary date of your death .. just 1 day shy.
I see you in her at times … is that you in there?
She had her 1st Christmas this year … and you weren’t here. Your favourite holiday and you weren’t here to dress up as Santa for her. You won’t be here for her future christmases either. She won’t get to make christmas wreaths with you. How dare you take that experience from her.

Am I crazy to hate you so much?  Am I crazy to blame you for leaving?
Yes .. I am. I just miss you deeply.

You taught me so much.
You nurtured me to have a kind heart to listen to those in pain. You showed me to sing like no one is listening. You taught me to appreciate the beauty in this world.

No one will understand the connection we had.
We fought like we were brother and sister. We joked like best friends. We loved like we were father and daughter.
You were my favourite person. You are my favourite person.

I am sorry I hate you. You don’t deserve it.
I am sorry I still have so much hate in my heart. I don’t deserve it.
I am sorry I loved/love you so much.
I am sorry. I truly am.

There’s no one in this world that is a better person than the person you were.
I love you.
I miss you.

Love,
Your brat niece, Tara.

Circle of Safety

I recently watched Will Smith on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Being already a big fan of his and his wife’s approach on marriage, I was able to learn their approach on parenting. He blew my mind away as he described the exact relationship that I want to have with my kids.

In a society that is full of spoiled/sheltered children, hate, bullying, and discrimination .. I can only imagine how it will be for my children as they grow up. I would never want them to feel alone in this world.

So .. I propose the Circle of Safety.
The children are allowed to say whatever they want, they can tell us anything that they did, and they can cleanse it all out. They will not get in trouble.
We stand in a circle (which I may just revise this and have it occur while we eat together as a family (does anyone even do that anymore?!) and everyone gets to say 1 swear word (so we all know we are in the circle of safety). Everyone gets to let out what they need to.
THE MAIN RULE: If we find out after the circle of safety that there was something that you didn’t say, there will be punishment.

You like that person at school?           Awesome! Tell me how cute they are!
You tried alcohol/weed?                       Tell me how adult it made you feel.
You got dumped?                                    Come cry to me and I’ll tell you what a jerk that person is.
Someone is treating you poorly?        Let’s talk how crappy it feels.
Having body issues?                             Let’s work together and improve that outlook.

 

Dislocated Healing

2 am Thursday July 7th, 2016, it started with a gush. A sleepless night with a consistent irritating back pain .. not truly painful but dull. The gush should have been expected but was still a surprise. Labour symptoms were googled until the dull pain calmed. Little did I know, it was the calm before the storm. By the way, storm is the most appropriate term as it definitely did not feel as though I peed myself .. as many had said it would. Having had a somewhat easy pregnancy and an even easier last week (40th week), I jumped out of bed as if I wasn’t pregnant in order not to ruin the bed or sheets. Reality hadn’t set in that my body was gearing up .. it’s go time .. you are becoming a mother.

I laboured for a half hour at home while hubby got ready for the hospital. I can only imagine what was going through his head .. being woken from a sleep that took forever to obtain. I hadn’t spoken about my feelings that night to him but something kept him from enjoying sleep as he usually does. I was a week overdue to the day so perhaps internally, he just knew it was the night.

After arriving at the hospital around 3am, and waiting in line behind 2 other mothers to be to check in, I was placed in an exam room and checked. Being a first time mom, I had no idea that the colour of my water was not consistent with a healthy natural labour. I was advised at that point that my little one had possibly swallowed Meconium and that labour needed to be brought on quicker than my natural plan to ensure her safety.
FYI – Meconium aspiration occurs when a baby breathes in amniotic fluid containing meconium (the baby’s first stools).

I have heard horror stories about hospitals pushing for non natural births and even read a book on having a natural birth in a hospital (Natural Hospital Birth by Cynthia Gabriel).
Unfortunately, when in the moment and hearing that pushing for an all natural birth might cause stress on the little one, you don’t really stop to think about anything except “Yes, let’s do it. Freeze me and let’s push along this labour.”

I was given an epidural which I 100% stand behind after also hearing those horror stories from many. It was a quick procedure which, yes, hurt .. but not as much as the contractions I was enduring throughout the procedure. After that, I was feeling nothing and didn’t even know when I was having a contraction.

Hours passed and by 11am, I was fully dilated. I had a wonderful nurse named Adrian who praised me and made the process easy. She informed the doctor and 2 resident doctors that we were ready. WRONG! I was ready .. but Miss Claudia Rose was not. Well, maybe she was .. but that head .. oh boy .. that head would not budge! Hours of pushing and pushing .. and unfortunately pooping ( yes .. you poop because in case no one has told you, the person reading this, the same muscles you use to poop are the same you use to push).

3pm came around .. and the look on the doctors’ faces were not pleasing. They began to worry that she was not budging and her heart beat was lowering during each push. So, what’s the plan now? FORCEPS! Yes, oh yes .. how exciting! *eyeroll*

Everything progressed quickly soon after.
I was moved into an operating room as if the forceps did not work, there were no more options and a C-Section would be performed. Was I scared? I have no clue! I want to be able to remember that moment and my thought process but I can’t. It is all a blur.
My epidural was increased, I was given an Episiotomy and in a room full of 8 people (my doctor, 2 residents, Claudia’s doctor and nurse, the anesthesiologist, my nurse Adrian, and an extra nurse), I was set to deliver. Push Tara push! NOPE .. no baby. PUSH TARA PUSH … HARDER .. and voila, there’s the pressure, there’s the congratulations, and there’s MY BABY!

She was born into this crazy world at 3:35pm with tears flowing from mommy and daddy’s eyes. Adrenaline pumping .. I was unable to hold my little one properly due to the immense shaking my body was going through. A quick hi/bye and off she went to clear her lungs of that nasty Meconium (yes, she actually had swallowed it). Other than that, she was healthy. As they say “She had ten fingers and ten toes ..”

Fast track to our first night because I don’t need to bore you with tales of family visits. I will say though .. she latched like a natural once back in our room and we haven’t had a problem with breastfeeding, EVER!

So, I was told to walk around once my legs were fully “thawed” .. in hopes I could go home the next day. Us being new parents, we started working as a team and decided to take on our first night together. We would trade off when we could sleep and go from there. First shift was hubby’s so it was just her and I for 2 hours. She slept as I updated social media and walked around. Nearing 2am, I decided she should eat so I made my way back to my bed. Well .. in an effort to explain myself correctly in writing with no visuals .. what happened next was truly a freak occurrence.

I positioned myself by the bed and shifted my body to sit. My body knew what my mind wanted but my right knee had another plan. It decided to stay put and as my weight shifted to sit, my knee stayed in position and then dislocated from the weight on the movement. Whatever pain I had EVER experienced in life was no match for the traumatizing pain I began to feel. I fell back onto the bed and started screaming for hubby to wake up. He took the baby as I was frozen in my position. I could not move other than to look down at my knee which was not where it should be. Long story (as yes you probably are bored of reading now) short, I waited until 6:30am to have my knee popped back in by the Orthopedic Surgeon that was called in. What fun that was!

Telling my story to others, I cannot help but laugh. Even as I was going through it all, I joked that labour was not enough of a challenge. I clearly needed a more elaborate story of when little Miss Claudia Rose entered our lives.

And with that .. I now have a beautiful little mini me.